And the men I have dated bar one have been a great disappointment I no longer can be bothered with them, particularly those closer to my age or in their 50’s; they all seem to have Peter Pan syndrome! ) And other things in my life seem so totally out of my control that it saps my strength…for a window in time.

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I talk a good game but every now and then the mad-person comes out and I have to do certain things to get my mind back to where it should be.

Perhaps it is that I have too much time on my hands, have lost confidence after so many ‘no’s’ with jobs.

Oh I will pick up for a moment or two here and there; but just in general at present I can’t see a great deal of light. We can not do anything about the past and we have little control over tomorrow…why can’t I be happy today. He is quirky, funny, smart but almost childlike at times. Not what I would normally consider my type but maybe that is why this may just work, because he is not the ‘type’ I am used to. You know that moment when you realise that all of a sudden this person you are looking at makes you feel this wondrous feeling..a kind of awe…you look and start to appreciate every last detail; their eyes, their face, the marvelous way the lip curls as they express something, the beautiful smile…maybe I have found that elusive thing after all…time will tell..

Love and whitlelight xxx I am not quite right yet where he is concerned, I am no longer embarrassed to say it in public.days still.rarely now…

Setting a boundary shows that you respect yourself.

Which is a critical piece of communication in the first 3 months of dating.In a normal situation you would discuss or react…he just shut down and yet he did not want me to go out.the shops (which I inevitably did) or walking even it seemed, it was as if he wanted me there he just would not communicate with me.I never had the opportunity to talk to him about it, he never gave me or us a chance to even though it was me that walked out after so many days of deadlock…There is so much else I could be doing or thinking about and yet there he was again all of a sudden and that familiar tug and wondering why things unfolded as they did.it still happens and I am writing about it today because it is better out than in. When I try to work out why the thoughts of him come back and haunt me as strongly as they do after longer times of no feeling about it the only thing I can think of is that he was the source that opened me up.me so bereft and so vulnerable and the months that followed after he demolished my heart were like an opened wound that not only festered but was riddled with disease that I never knew was there and it all came seeping out…and right now I need a course of ‘antibiotics’ as the infection has not quite cleared….I’ve done everything, I thought, to prevent it..feeling this way. Why is his face still so clear in my mind and why do I ruminate over what happened on these days and just can’t let it go. At one stage when I was there it wasn’t so much that he had shut down on me I remember thinking why don’t I feel anything for him right now in this moment?And the only thing I could put it down to was shock.